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Weird Competitions

Weird Competitions

by Johnny Blaze

For as long as time has existed humans have been occupying their spare time with sport and competing against each other for honour, pride and dignity. Competitors have been partaking in contests of all shapes and sizes for all of story. Whether it be the Olympics to the Super Bowl, people need things to compete and invest themselves in. But when did we start just making competitions out of anything? When did the art of competing in activities that made people look at you like an elite athlete or spectacle become less of an art and more pointless than the competition itself? Hopefully this blog will help answer that question, but, it will probably only raise more questions about what the fuck these people are doing with their lives.
For instance, the 15th annual Toilet Paper Wedding Dress Contest is a real contest. Just let that sink in. Toilet. Paper. Wedding. Dress. Contest. I’m using this as my first example as I recently stumbled across a story about a man who is headed to the finals after beating out 1,500 other contestants. This is mind boggling enough that this is even a contest, let alone the fact that there are FIFTEEN HUNDRED PEOPLE WHO ARE TAKING PART IN IT. I will give it this though, the dresses look fucking amazing, like real wedding dresses, not made out of ass wipe. But one has to wonder, how does someone get into this or even figure out they have knack for designing wedding dresses out of toilet paper? Perhaps it started out as an accidental hobby, I’m not really sure though. That can’t be the case for 1,500 people to be invested in it. So who knows, maybe there’s an underworld of TP dress designers walking amongst us and we’re all oblivious. The $10,000 price probably works as some incentive to get most of the participants to enter though…
Rock paper scissors also has a professional league you can enter as well. Yes, the game that is based on complete luck has a professional league that professionals play in. Professional. Rock. Paper. Scissors. Yes. That is a real thing. In this competition there is a $50,000 prize for the champion, a steep difference from the normal thing a person wins like home court advantage in 2K or getting to approach the girl first that both you and your buddy want to hit on (sorry ladies but this does happen sometimes…).
The World Pea Shooting Competition is another questionable competition that still happens annually in England. In fact, it’s been happening since 1971. That means there’s a group of people large enough who’ve have had nothing to do for the past 48 years that they’ve spent their free time spitting fucking peas at a wall. It’s as simple as that. However, there have been some developments to the technique. When it started, participants would go au-natural and just spit straight from the mouth. Nowadays contestants use specialized shooters with scopes and laser-pointers to ensure they can shoot that mafk’n pea at a mafk’n target. This is wild. Could you imagine, “Hey what do you do for fun?” “Oh you know the normal stuff, cook, listen to music, I like swimming! Oh! And I’m a professional pea marksman! I almost forgot!” That’s a quick cut off right there. Don’t trust anyone who’s past times include launching vegetables at a wall for money. Ever.
This last one is a bit controversial, but I just want to bring up the fact that curling is a “sport”. If you’re not familiar with curling it can be boiled down to sliding rocks on ice into a bullseye while two other people sweep the ice with fake brooms. If you are familiar with curling, just read that back and take in that this is a televised sport that is in the Olympics. Sliding. Rocks. On. Ice. Brooms. HARD. That’s it. The craziest part about this sport other than it being maybe the second most boring thing to watching paint dry is that PEOPLE LOVE IT WORLDWIDE. It’s nuts. The rules don’t even make sense. It sounds intense as hell too because everyone just yells at the top of their lungs but it is quite the contrary, it is simply sliding rocks on ice. If there was to be an equivalent to it in the summer Olympics, marbles would be the only thing that resembles it. And I’ll be goddamned if marbles are introduced into the Olympics.
What I’m trying to get at is that there’s lots people can do to occupy their free time and I’m all for a good hobby, whatever that hobby may be. But not all of them need a competition. Pea shooting, professional RPS (as I’ve learned the pros call it) and TP wedding dresses can be a niche past time. We don’t need to know who’s the best, just have fun in private, that way you won’t get roasted on a DTTW blog. As for curling enthusiasts, grow up.
Written by:
John Balser
Instagram: @johnbalsohard


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