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Stop Ruining Everything

Stop Ruining Everything

by Johnny Blaze

Humans are notorious for overkill. And by this, I mean the combination of two things that perhaps are not particularly meant to be together. Like for instance, the edible. Think about that, some guy was so tired of smoking weed that he just started eating it and, wouldn’t ya know it, before long the entire world was getting Rosetta Stoned in a brand-new way. I imagine it didn’t take long until they figured out how to make it into cookies or brownies and whatnot, a revolutionary invention in our modern world if I do have to say so myself.
Let’s think about something that may be even more of an extreme combination of somethings that don’t belong together; the turducken. Yes, the turducken, perhaps you’ve heard of it. The turducken is a chicken inside a duck that is then placed inside a turkey, it is then roasted to perfection and served to more than likely a lot of guests cause that’s three times the bird, man. Whoever thought of this is either a genius or was an incredibly stoned redneck with too much feathered game in his freezer with Thanksgiving closely approaching. Seriously though, who goes through the levels of thinking to create a human-centipede inspired, bird-centipede of sorts, then roast it, feed it to people and play it off as a completely normal thought that any average human could have. That is some twisted shit.
Humans continue to be infatuated with messing up normal things. The turducken is just overkill cooked up by some guy who was just looking to fuck up your traditional idea of a great meal. And the weed edible, well actually, yeah, no weed edibles are pretty sick I’m going to have to say. Nonetheless, both things almost seem unnecessary upon first thought.
Something like ice cream, one of the most famous junk foods of all time, seems like it could never be fucked up by the human touch. That is unless you don’t think about mint chocolate chip ice cream because, well, fuck mint chocolate chip ice cream. But I’ve got news for you! Someone in Ecuador has made a flavour of ice cream that could take the cake for most twisted ice cream flavour of all time. Guinea pig ice cream. That’s not a joke. There is literally a lady standing at a small roadside ice cream shop in Ecuador making guinea pig flavoured ice cream.
Seriously, what the fuck.
I understand that this is kind of a traditional delicacy in South American countries but come on, you don’t need to combine all your meals. Americans don’t have cheeseburger flavoured ice cream, Canadians don’t have poutine flavoured ice cream, so what’s your deal? Why does there need to be guinea pig flavoured ice-cream? It doesn’t end there though; this lady also serves up mushroom and beetle flavoured ice cream. JUST STOP IT. WHY? No one needed this, kinda like streaming services that I may think I need when I really don’t because I like three Disney movies and that’s it, I don’t need a service to watch them all and get in touch with my childhood. That was a little beside the point… I may have a problem with Disney+ too I’m starting to realize…
This is how she describes the process on how she makes it though: “Pilapaña manages to concentrate guinea pig flavour after cooking and preparing a pate from the animal’s flesh, adds milk or cream and refrigerates the concoction until it has the rough consistency of ice cream. The taste is similar to chicken.”
That’s enough to turn me fucking vegan.
Gin, a classic liquor that has been enjoyed for years by people of all cultures, from James Bond to Snoop Dogg. We all know gin tastes like shit, we don’t need to sugar coat it, but sometimes you just have to drink it just to remind yourself how bad it actually is. In fact, I would go so far as to say that there are two types of people in this world; those who say they like gin and dirty rotten liars.
Let’s go back to gin tasting like shit though and add a literal spin to that saying. By this I mean that there is a South African gin company that has started to infuse their gin with elephant dung. Actually, I’m not going to sugar coat that, they started infusing their gin with elephant shit. Talk about adding insult to injury.
Their reason for this process is because elephants eat berries and fruits and then poop them out, which for some reason makes them great for making gin? I don’t even know man, I’m fucking baffled too. Why couldn’t they just do it the old traditional way and just go pick the fruits with their own bare hands? That question is made worse by the fact that they pick up the elephant shit with their bare hands… Like come on. Seriously? This seems like way too many extra steps for making gin.
This is a quote from the mastermind behind the idea from a story written by CTV: “As a consequence, in the elephant dung, you get the most amazing variety of these botanicals," Les Ansley said during a recent visit to their operations. "Why don't we let the elephants do the hard work of collecting all these botanicals and we will make gin from it?" he recalled his wife suggesting.
I have no words. None. Zero. Zilch. Absolutely shit all, pun intended.
Now this is a PSA to the human race, grow up. We don’t need this shit, except the edible maybe… Actually, yeah, the edible is pretty sick. Seriously though, how many things can we just keep messing up by adding unnecessary things to them? I’m genuinely scared. Like in five years will I not be able to buy regular orange juice anymore? Will the new normal be orange juice with toenails in it because they “bring out the citrus flavour and add just that much more vitamin C”? I’m genuinely worried. We need to take action folks.
Written by:
John Balser
Instagram: @johnbalsohard


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