This blog is inspired by a couple of people being idiots on airplanes, so I figured a lesson on Plane Etiquette 101 is necessary. The first thing that made me cringe was a picture of this lady who was barefoot and kicked her feet up on the seat in front of her. The second was a video that went viral of another lady using her feet to navigate the touch screen TV in front of her… First and foremost, fuck off. This could have easily been a blog about feet etiquette, but I don’t want to come across as a foot guy, so plane etiquette it is.
My friend who doesn’t have twitter sent this from her flight. It belongs on Twitter. pic.twitter.com/qG6d54V5Dd— Alafair Burke (@alafairburke) July 15, 2019
First things first I need to get the most obvious unwritten rule out of the way; reclining your seat is absolutely allowed. I swear to sweet baby Jesus if you give the back of my seat a nudge to indicate how disappointed you are with me reclining my seat, I will karate chop your collarbone in two. The chairs have a lever to recline your seat for a reason, so I’m going to use it. If they didn’t want people reclining chairs, they wouldn’t have given you the option. Simple as that.
This next one is just as important because while you may never actually encounter the person behind you, you will see the person sitting next to you. Arm rest authority is a first come, first serve deal. Let me break this down nice and simple, whoever gets there first obtains power of the arm rest. The only chance the other person has to gain arm rest authority is if the initial person is caught slipping and only then can power be reversed. The only exception is when the seats are 3 in a row, in which case dual arm rest authority is granted to the middle seat. It’s the least we can do for the person sitting bitch.
Fuck you and your crying baby. Why is the baby even coming with you in the first place? If you’re going away to see family, I get it. But even then, you have a shitty family because they should know you have an infant who can’t hold its own head up that’s going to be a hassle to travel with. So, they should have the decency to come visit you and if not then fuck ‘em. Don’t even waste time going and stay at home with your crying baby. Or if you’re going on an actual trip then you’re just an idiot. The point of a vacation is to get away from that part of your life. If you can afford the trip, you can afford a sitter. Or find better friends because your family is probably shitty. Worst case scenario give your kid some tranquillizers and knock it out for the flight, it really is the least you can do.
Don’t be the guy who causes a bathroom line-up. First off, airplane bathrooms are worse than trying to understand a customer service rep from Rogers. So what the fuck are you doing in there for so long. Hurry it up for your own self-respect and don’t do that to yourself. Also, if I need to go to the bathroom on an airplane you best believe its urgent, so don’t make me wait in a line. How long can you even stand being in there? No guy in history has ever successfully gotten at least 70% of their piss in one of those toilets either, so hope you enjoy sitting on that piss stain fire-hydrant of a toilet seat. Sorry, but there’s not enough single ply toilet paper in the world to protect your ass from that. Hurry it up and take shifts if you have too.
If you snore, don’t be mad if I wake you up. Now… I’m not going to make it obvious and be a complete asshole. But I have to do something to help out everyone else on the plane. It is your duty as a passenger to wake up the person sitting beside you if they snore. It’s not just for yourself, but the fate of everyone’s mood around you is in the palm of your hands. The best way to do it is act like you dropped something and on your way down give their leg a little nudge. Or pretend you’re also asleep and your elbow just so happened to catch them right on the ribs. Sorry bro, had to do it for the rest of us, maybe buy some nasal strips before you fly next.
Loud talkers are the worst people. Odds are nobody cares what you have to say, including the person you are talking to. If I can hear you from 4 rows up, you need to learn how to use your inside voice. Or better yet, your plane voice. If you’re a loud talker on airplanes you definitely had the type of parents that let you cry in public without getting a smack upside the head. As much as it’s their fault, it’s also your fault for not learning how to not be annoying on your own. Grow up, no one cares about yesterday’s dentist appointment, Debbie.
Since this whole blog was inspired by some revolting people going barefoot on planes, this next one is a no brainer… Don’t be the “shoes off” guy. This isn’t your home and you’re not on the beach quite yet, so close the feet. I don’t even understand you people; how can you even do that knowing everyone is judging you. No, it is not a power move, complete and utter greasy move. It’s got the bottom of a McDonalds brown paper bag written all over it.
Don’t be the douchebag that claps when the plane lands. The pilot knows what he’s doing, he didn’t catch anyone by surprise that day. This isn’t a show, it’s a common routine flight that has been done for years. Show some respect and don’t clap, it’s their job.
Follow these steps and hopefully the number of douchebags on airplanes will start to plummet, or maybe this will make those numbers increase. Who knows, people are pretty petty. Take it from the guy who just spent a day writing about the different types of people on airplanes