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Guacamole: The J. Cole Feature of Avocados

Guacamole: The J. Cole Feature of Avocados

by Johnny Blaze

If anyone reading this knows me or has tuned into the right episode of Down to the Wire, you know my stance on avocados. If you don’t, then I shall inform you of it now. Avocados are overrated. Plain and simple as that. They taste like shitty Play-Doh and are soft as baby shit. Think of that next time you’re eating that green garbage.
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand the health aspects… Kind of. I mean, sure protein, vitamins, blah blah, green, vegetables, avocado toast, whatever. I don’t care, we are not focusing on the one key issue with this fruit, it tastes like nothing and its texture is gross as all hell.
My biggest beef is how it costs $3.50 to add it on any sandwich, burger or rice bowl you buy from any restaurant. That’s absurd, why would I pay $3 more to put a slice of slimy, mushy, tasteless paste on my sandwich. “But you can’t even taste it.” This just gives all the more reason to not order it. Why pay more for nothing. It just doesn’t make sense. And the health factor is somewhat lost in the fact that I am ordering a 4lb burger with 2lbs of fries on the side. Avocado’s health benefits are lost on the fact that it is added to some of the most unhealthy food to mankind. It’s like super sizing your McDonald’s meal but justifying it to yourself by pairing it with a Diet Coke.
This leads me to wonder why people have clothing articles with the fruit on it. Yeah, this is a call out to my two roommates with avocado socks. It looks dumb because neither of you like avocado that much nor do they look cool enough to fill socks up with them. Everyone knows what they taste like, everyone knows what they look like and everyone should be avoiding them at all costs. They are a nice shade of green, but I mean it’s an avocado. What more is there to really say?
The worst part is that avocados have formed a cult following. Yes, a cult. A cult of people who go right for the throat if you aren’t an avocado advocate. I actually just had to fight off my girlfriend as she looked over, read the title of this and then got extremely angry, all over a mushy and shitty fruit.
Avocado lovers are like J. Cole fans in the sense that they can’t handle someone telling them that something that’s supposed to be amazing is actually pretty shitty. And then they will beef you until you’re tired of arguing. It’s true, go start the conversation with someone. See how far you get.
However like J. Cole, avocado does have some good properties. By this I mean guacamole. Now an avocado lover will ask, “Oh you don’t like avocado but you like guacamole? You know that’s pretty much just straight avocado right?” And my answer is always yes, because it is not just straight avocado. It tastes a lot more like the other stuff in the guacamole as it overpowers the taste of avocado because, you guessed it, avocado doesn’t have a taste.
Guacamole is like J. Cole featuring on a track. Like J. Cole, avocado is not great by itself. But if you get him on the feature, you’re going to get a fire J. Cole verse. This is comparable to guacamole, making it the superior way to consume your avocado.
Don’t overdo it folks and don’t get brainwashed. Avocado is a tool used by vegans to get us to grow dreadlocks, live in tents, believe in horoscopes and swear off meat for life. Don’t believe me? Go ahead. All I’m saying is that avocados are the gateway drug to veganism.
Written by:
John Balser
Instagram: @johnbalsohard


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