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A Living (H)ELLen

A Living (H)ELLen

by Johnny Blaze

“Be kind to one another,” a quote made popular by none other than Ellen Degeneres. A quote that now is being thrown incredibly ironically back in her face. Cuz guess what, it turns out Ellen ain’t that kind. Which is incredibly surprising since who would have thought a celebrity is completely different off camera? Huh… Shocker…
Anyways, I have been rather intrigued by this new dunk contest going on in regards to who has the worst Ellen story. And it seems like Ellen just keeps getting posterized under the basket, over and over and over and over… And over and over and over and over again.
The jigs up and I cant keep silent anymore so I’m going to be using these next couple hundred words to piece together just how fucked the work environment at the Ellen show really was.
The biggest and most threatening problems that are currently tearing this show apart comes from the top three producers from the show. Multiple former employees have come forward with many instances of sexual harassment and racism in the workplace, accusing Kevin Leman, Ed Glavin and Jonathan Norman as the main perpetrators. These three men have been publicly outed for creating a toxic work environment from the top down, all of which have since “parted ways” with the show, since these allegations have become public.
“Parted ways”… I hate that saying. If you have rapists and racists in the workplace that encourage a toxic work environment and have been accused of such on multiple occasions by multiple people with similar stories over multiple years, you shouldn’t be “parting ways” with them. We should be firing them.
Emotional terror also rained down from the co-executive producers. In a story by Buzzfeed, five former employees claimed Ed Glavin had a button at his desk to shut his office door. One claimed, “It seemed like a power move, more than anything.” We here at DTTW know a thing or two about power moves and this seems like a pretty greasy move Ed. Power move if you’re an evil villain, greasy move if you’re a power tripping tv show executive.
These three individuals are the ones being dragged through the mud, however its become rather evident that Ellen isn’t the beaming ray of kindness she’s made out to be. She is notoriously rude to her not-as-famous guests and staff. So it makes terrible, awful, gross sense that she would have a lot of influence over the atmosphere at the shows headquarters. This means Ellen is kinda guilty too folks… No matter what she says in her apologies, she is kind of mean and we may just have to accept that.
The problems people have with Ellen seem to be almost prima donna issues the star has with the world around her. Pretty farking fake for a person who’s whole thing is keeping it real…
But I guess that may be the moral of this story… People are fake dicks (and I’m not talking dildos).
The craziest thing to me is that this has stayed on the down low for what seems like quite some time. Kevin T. Porter tweeted, “Right now we all need a little kindness. You know like Ellen Degeneres always talks about! She’s also notoriously one of the meanest people alive. Respond to this with the most insane stories you’ve heard about Ellen being mean & I’ll match every one w/ $2 to @LAFoodBank” and had to donate $600, meaning there were 300 verified mean Ellen stories (quick mafs).
One of the replies tells a story of how she wrote to the manager of a restaurant she dined at to have her server fired for having chipped nail polish.
I read another where a former staffer said she’d make her employees with smelly lunches eat on the sets of other shows in the building and if she figured your breath smelled bad afterwards, she’d force you to chew some gum. And if she thought you smelt like garbage, she’d send you home to shower. All because of her “sensitive nose”. Come on Ellen, grow up.
Is it just me but does it kinda make you uncomfortable when Ellen cries? Like in that one picture where Obama is putting that medal around her neck? Maybe I’m just stoned but that photo kinda freaks me out.
And thats what she did when she apologized to her staff, cry and play the dummy card.
Again Ellen, time to grow up. She can try to play this off as something less than chronic douchiness but in the end I think we may have to all just accept the fact that Ellen Degeneres is a super dick.
Now I’m going to list all the things I don’t like about Ellen, ya know, give her a taste of her own medicine.
- She has shitty hair
- She has shitty style
- I don’t like how she wears sneakers with suit jackets
- She trips me out when she cries
- She has shitty hair
- She looks like Niall Horan but older… And I hate Niall Horan
- She made Mariah Carey say she was pregnant when she hadn’t said anything publicly and then she had a miscarriage which definitely fucked her up
- The fact that I can’t make jokes about her sexuality
- The fact that she’s as fake as an escort’s orgasm
- Her show
- Her comedy
- Her hair
- Her dance moves
- Her
And that is all.
Ellen, after all of this, I’m rather disappointed my looks were ever compared to yours in high school.
Written by:
John Balser
Instagram: @johnbalsohard


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