The Sunshine State.
Where you can eat cotton candy with Mickey Mouse at noon and find yourself nose deep in a pile of Scarface at a Strip Club later that same day. A typical day in Florida is like a former Disney Channel star; hot, yet scary, unpredictable like Micheal Scott on a Monday, brings back childhood memories, and LOVES drugs.
There is no way to prepare for a day in Florida. Some of the Backpage News Stories coming out of Florida that we’ve discussed on our Down to the Wire podcast include naked men getting into high speed cop chases, a methamphetamine reptile army and a 20-year-old having sex with a toy snowman in a Target.
Speaking of using a stuffed Olaf to get off, it always rubbed me the wrong way that families take trips to this mixture of heaven and hell we call Florida.
I mean no knock on Florida, but it seems more like a “lets try a different drug for every day while we’re here and see what happens” kind of trip more so than a place to take your kids.
Just to paint a picture a little better, here’s what a typical weekend in the Sunshine State has in store. Here are three news stories that all happened within the same weekend late last month.
Let’s start with Friday.
You first get into Florida and decide to go to a Family Dollar to grab some cheap snacks and pick up a quick case of beer. But you’re not used to Florida Variety Stores and witness the most genius robbery of all time.
A woman, who is still unidentified, almost pulled off what would have been an early candidate for heist of the year. She clogged the toilet and made it aware to the employees that they should go fix it. Little did they know that this was a distraction to her master plan. Once the employees went to check the clogged toilets she took to action and loaded a laundry bin with $400 worth of goods and fled.
However, she didn’t flee entirely. She took her items to a trash can at a CVS pharmacy that was nearby and approached a black SUV to talk to someone. Then she saw an employee retrieving the items that were near the trash can and took off.
Damn. Damn. Damn. You almost had it. But my biggest question is how did she bank on her shit being big enough to clog the toilet in one go? Did she not shit for a day to build up a colossal shit? Did she go around picking up random dog shit to accumulate and throw it in the toilet? Or did she do a gauntlet of fast food chain burgers earlier that day to see how many combos she could eat before exploding?
Sure, the obvious answer is she loaded the toilet with toilet paper, but based on the strategy behind this robbery, I’d like to think she’s a little more authentic than that.
Also, why a Family Dollar convenience? I’m not sure what the market is like for convenience store items but is her end goal to flip a couple bags of Cheetos, some paper towel rolls and a bag of dog treats? I don’t know, maybe she’s low on household items, but I like the strategy she pulled out just for a minimal potential gain. Just think what this girl would have planned out if she were to go after a bank.
Before we move into Saturday, we’re not done with Friday quite yet.
Just when you thought witnessing an almost picture perfect robbery attempt via clogged toilets was about to be the highlight of your weekend in Florida, you pick up a local newspaper.
Headline reads; ‘Florida police want to know who burglarized this medical marijuana dispensary at 4:20 a.m.’
Step aside toilet clogging-crackhead looking lady, there’s a new robbery king in town that’s more clever than your almost successful robbery strategy. Two men broke into the medical marijuana dispensary in Clearwater, while another stayed in the car as the get-away driver in an all black Camaro. The break-in was at exactly 4:20 in the morning and lasted till just 4:25, police are still looking for suspects.
This sounds like a stoner’s half-baked idea when chilling higher than giraffe nuts on a lazy Sunday with their friends.
*Take a hit and read this in your best stoner voice, or just your regular voice you hippie*
“Yoo bro… D’you know what would be jokes”
*friend looks over with half shut eyes*
“If we got super Rosetta Stone’d and rob that pot shop at 4:20”
“Dude… the irony in that would be crazzzy jokes”
“Right? Then we could get Jeff to pull up in his dads Camaro so we look like we’re legit”
“Do you think he’d let him take it?”
“Well it’s at 4:20 in the morning so we could sneak it out”
“But then his car’s gonna dank”
“Oh true… Maybe we won’t then”
“Dope, smart call bro”
The best part about this robbery is not just that its a dispensary being stolen from at 4:20 a.m, but how sloppy it was and that Florida cops have yet to find these guys. First off, if you look at the video of the surveillance tape, these guys walk into a room that looks straight out of that one scene in 21 Jump Street when they’re grabbing weed from the evidence room to throw a party.
Anyways, they walk in there with plastic grocery bags… C’mon man. Just look at them trying to stuff cannabis products into them. Wow, did I just say cannabis products, who am I? My mom? A narc? But it’s almost as if they went to the grocery store beforehand to load up on munchies as they rip through a few ounces of weed at 4:27 a.m.
Also, when they’re loading up the car they drop a whole bunch of weed. There’s at least 20 little white packages rolling around as buddy dropped one of his grocery bags and they fly out. Not even that, he left them there.
Just a couple of stone bags pulling off what is so far the ’Stoner Heist of the Year’, congrats fellas.
After being in the same area as some greasy robbery attacks, you feel a little dirty yourself for some reason. So you try to surround yourself with some good people and attend St. Coleman’s Catholic Church in Pompano Beach, but once again, Welcome to Florida!
I highly recommend watching the video first, not just so you can fully understand what I’m saying here, but because it’s hilarious in itself watching a news anchor try to talk about a deacon getting tackled in a serious tone. Florida News Channels should be listed under the entertainment category, but that’s a petition for another day.
But yes, a deacon got tackled during a church service on this fine Saturday in Pompano Beach. However, I think it’s important to give props to the deacon who’s clearly 70 or something, I don’t know, but he’s old enough where most girls from his time were named Ethel or Fran. Actually wait, he works for the church so he probably didn’t talk to many girls. Let me re-phrase that; I think it’s important to give props to the deacon who’s clearly 70 or something, I don’t know, but he’s old enough where all the boys in his neighbourhood remember finding out about the opening of Disneyland.
I say let’s give him some props because the 28-year-old that tackled him needed a solid 7 seconds and a couple Rings Around the Rosie to try and bring him down. Not sure if it’s more impressive to note how strong this deacon is, or how embarrassing it is that it took this guy that long to try and tackle an old man, c’mon, hit the gym buddy.
What makes it even more surprising is that the 28-year-old, Thomas Eisel, has had practice taking down old people. Eisel was on probation during this attack for, get this, battery on a person older than 65. What the fuck kind of twisted fetish, hatred, envy or whatever you want to call it is this. Someones grandparents didn’t bake him cookies or was maybe shit at baking cookies, because this guy has some issues.
It wasn’t even just a hit 'n' run type of deal, this guy wanted vengeance. It reportedly took 10 people to separate Eisel from the victim. 10 fucking people. Dude, how does it take 10 people to hold down someone who could barely bring down an 80-year-old. Maybe that’s not the key take-away from that, but man I never thought I’d say this but go be like other Florida criminals; do drugs, get in naked cop chases, rob a dispensary at 4:20 a.m, anything but going after old people.
Still want to take that family trip to the Sunshine State?
The best part about this weekend is the year is just getting started, I can’t wait to see what the rest of 2020 Florida News brings us. I will re-iterate however, do not bring your kids here. But on the other hand, are you thinking about a place to go with some friends to see some crazy shit? Forget Disney World, post up at a Family Dollar, Weed dispensary or Church and just see what happens.
You never fail to disappoint us here at Down to the Wire. To be honest, we don’t know what we would do without you Florida. You guys alone make up for at least half our Backpage News, I mean we try and space it out across all states and countries but you guys are just so damn good at doing fucked up shit.
Cheers to clogged toilet robberies, 4:20 weed dispensary break-ins, church brawls and most importantly, cheers to you Florida.