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This Week in Florida

This Week in Florida

by Johnny Blaze

Some shit went down in Florida this past week and who would I be if I didn’t piece it all together and let the good fans of Down to the Wire in on the wild shit Floridians call normal life.
Florida is an epicentre for strange occurrences in the world and I don’t think I’m any closer to finding out why that is since we here at DTTW started to focus so much on the 'unique experiences' that happen in the southern state.
Maybe it’s something in the water? Maybe they’re just born into it? Regardless, Florida keeps our Backpage News category stocked full of twisted news stories.
Let’s start in Fort Myers. At a Costco, a male customer was asked by another customer to put on a mask and maintain physical distancing rules. Pretty normal stuff, especially in the current climate of the world. However, the man then decides this is an outrage and how dare any one tell him what to do! After all, this is ‘Merica right?!
Wrong. Put your fucking mask on buddy.
Anyways, this guy then snaps on the woman and what appears to be a man protecting her. This guy’s fists are clenched into balls bigger than a giraffe's nuts and he’s screaming into the camera the lady had pulled on him, cause ya know, it is 2020 and whenever someone does some fuck shit we gotta record it!
However in times like these you have to be a little bit thankful for the camera phone. This guy made an ass so badly out of himself that the video resulted in him getting fired from the insurance agency he worked at.
Grow up fella, and next time someone tells you to obey the law, you might wanna give it a try.
Let’s take a trip to St. Petersburg now where four men have just been arrested for selling bleach to people with the label of “Miracle Mineral Solution” claiming that it’s a viable cure to the Corona Virus.
Before we get any further I just want to make sure that it is known to you guys that this is absolutely not a cure to COVID-19, something that you’d think was pretty fucking easy to derive from the fact that this stuff was being sold by some weird church-cult like thing. That’s Florida though.
Also, these four guys are a father and his three sons. I know the easiest career path for some is to enter the family business, but just because its easy doesn't mean you should do it. Not only that, they claimed their 'Miracle Water' can cure more than just COVID, including cancer, alzheimer's, AIDS and autism. Who the fuck thought that just because they invented 3 in 1 shampoo mixed with body wash and conditioner that they can make a medicine that can do the same for the worlds shittiest diseases. You'd also think the person buying this stuff would know that they haven't found a cure to something like cancer yet.
Florida has now recorded nearly 224,000 cases of COVID-19 since the beginning of the outbreak. This is a fucking lot if you had any question about that. However, I think I might know why the cases just keep on coming and coming and that’s not because people are stupid enough to sell bleach as a miracle cure, but rather that people are stupid enough to BUY bleach labeled as a miracle cure.
Imagine, buying medicine off of the back of a truck from four dudes with 13 teeth combined and even less brain cells. Stick a quarter in your ass cuz you just played yourself.
And lastly, I’ll keep this one short just because I don’t know much else to say about this.
In short, a jogger found a head on the side of a jogging path while she was out on her morning jog. This is proper fucked.
Not the fact that this woman found a severed head but rather that there’s a murderer out there in St. Petersburg who doesn’t give any fucks to the point that he’s chucking body parts wherever he pleases. That’s fucking wild.
Florida is on some other mode right now. It’s like the whole state has four stars in GTA. I am going to tell you right now to steer clear of the sunshine state.
We here at DTTW love you Florida, but it’s about time we start thinking about an intervention or maybe even rehab to clean you up. We’re not here to shame you, just help you.
Written by:
John Balser
Instagram: @johnbalsohard


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