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The Story of a Balls to the Wall Nazi

Nazi gets swastika tattoo on his testicles

by Johnny Blaze

The Second World War was a six-year period that brought many things into the world. Duct tape, synthetic rubber and the jeep are all great inventions birthed from an era filled with turmoil and conflict. However, the greatest thing to come from the Second World War was the defeat of a fascist regime with world domination as its driving ambition. The toppling of the Third Reich saw the end of a period filled with oppression, war crimes, hatred and exploitation. 

If you told me at six years old that there was a man whose goal was to create a superior race through the organized extermination of whole cultures and races 70 some odd years ago, I would have looked at you like you have three heads. Mind you, I would have been six and that’s a terrible thing to say to a six-year-old.

Fuck it, if you told me today that there was a man who had that mission, I would look at you like you had three heads and then said something like, “That’s pretty fucked up bro, why would someone want to do that? People are beautiful and we should all love each other.” or something along those lines.

And if you’re thinking that’s a soft answer, my name is Johnny Blaze for fuck sakes, I’m a bit of a hippy. I like to think that if I was ever drafted, I’d take the Desmond Doss route —  I’d be a conscientious observer and save a whole bunch of lads without a gun, then come home to the fame and fortune that my movie deal would garner. Except instead of Andrew Garfield, I’d probably have Terry Crews or Jason Statham play me, you know, someone who actually looks like me and a person people can really relate to. 

But the thing about the fall of Nazi Germany that baffles me is that people are still invested in it. Take that in. There are people living in this world today that think that Adolf Hitler had a vision that was worth following. All “he was a good talker” jokes aside, this is an incredibly troubling thing. 

The only thing that comes to mind when considering the good things that Adolf Hitler did is creating the Volkswagen Beetle. And even the creation of my favourite car comes with a troubled past, considering Hitler’s fascistworld was going to have everyone driving it. Volkswagen literally translates to “the people’s car”. Das fucking auto amiright y’all? 

The end of the Second World War could have gone a bit different if Hitler’s power trip didn’t get the best of him. Fighting a war on two fronts squashed his dream of being emperor of the world (I don’t know if that’s the title he would have used, but anyone who achieves world domination should strongly consider that title). The crazy thing is that it didn’t quite squash out all the Nazis. 

Today, the world is ripe with hatred, racism and white supremacy, with many people who are into that stuff still using Nazi symbols and ideologies to express themselves. One of these people is this guy who came up in one of our latest Down to the Wire episodes, an Austrian man who tattooed a swastika on his fucking ball sack. This guy is absolutely fucking nuts, if you ask me (you best believe that pun was intended). 

This dude, whose name I don’t know because it’s protected by the courts, ended up getting hammered on whiskey then got his brother to tattoo a swastika on his nuts. Or nut? I don’t know, can you tattoo both nuts? Fuck it, that doesn’t matter. But this guy, let’s call him Hans, on account of that being the only German name coming to mind. No diss to all the other Hans’ out there, it’s just where my mind went. Anyways, Hans is down with the Nazi Party. Hans has been pictured with Nazi paraphernalia, drinking Hitler branded wine (yes that’s a thing and yes, it is a definite problem) and he’s even posted Nazi propaganda online from time to time. Now I’m not a Nazi, in fact I’m the furthest thing away from a Nazi. But IF I was (big capital, bold, underlined IF there folks, don’t get it twisted), I think I would still understand that my beliefs would not be accepted by the majority of the Austrian population, let alone the world. Hitler kind of ruined the whole movement ya know? Kind of like the Charlie Chaplin moustache.


Hitler branded wine

Didn’t believe me? There ya go. 

That’s the thing that confuses me the most though, that these guys are actually proud to be Nazis. Hans posted his new ink online and even showed it off to his military buddies when they were drinking after a day of training sessions. I mean, the last thing I would consider Nazis as is classy. 

Austria actually has laws that prevent the use of Nazi symbolism in attempts to revive or glorify the party. In fact, it has some of the strongest laws against these kinds of offences, with mandatory jail time for anyone who breaks them. Hans may be devoted but he definitely ain’t smart. Austria passed an act in 1947 called the “National Socialism Prohibition Act of 1947” which enforces what I just said: jail time to anyone who tries to glorify the Nazi party. This act should not need to exist, but then again, neither should have the Third Reich. I guess if your country is where the most notorious and heinous serial killer/sociopath was born, you may take some steps toward making sure that never happens again. 

During his trial, Hans has claimed he is “sorry” and “embarrassed”. Rightfully so Hans, rightfully so. "I just got in with bad company. For us, anything that wasn't allowed was something we gravitated towards, but we all underestimated enormously how much of a mistake this was," he said during his trial. Too little too late Hans, off to jail you go. 

It also took a full-blown investigation into the tattoo by Austrian officials for Hans to realise what “nonsense” Nazi glorification was, as reported in a story by The Sun. Please keep in mind that this man tattooed a fucking swastika on his balls. Don’t believe a word Hans says, or any Nazi sympathizer for that matter. He also added, "Other than that, I can't give any reasonable explanation for why I did it." But don’t worry Hans, you don’t need a reason as to why you did it, one thing Nazis didn’t need was a reason to do anything, so you’re right on brand. 

But this isn’t an isolated event to the homeland of the Nazi king. America has its very own Nazi party: The American Nazi Party or ANP. Catchy name, isn’t it? So I decided I should check it out, solely for this blog (seriously, don’t get it twisted) and visited their website. On the page titled “What We Stand For”, the first heading is “Race”. It then goes on to read “[We stand for] The union of all Aryans in North America” and continues with, “We must have an all-White National Socialist America; an America in which our children and our grandchildren will play and go to school with other White children; an America in which they will date and marry other young people of our own race; an America in which all their offspring will be beautiful, healthy White babies.” Talk about white washing… 

My favourite part is their inclusivity policies. The “Non Aryan” page gives some great tips as to how you can take the steps of joining if you are anything other than a white purebred American, make sure to put lots of emphasis on that ‘H’ in white. It then gives a definition of sympathizer, which kind of made me laugh because that means that most people on that page don’t know what one is. It then asks the age-old question of “What did our Führer Adolf Hitler think about non-Aryans aiding the National-Socialist cause?” And it turns out, he loved them! Hitler wasn’t that racist now was he? No! He could never! 

But rest assured, it gives two examples of high ranking Jewish Nazis and the accolades they received from their war efforts. Honestly, two is two more than I thought there was. And if you’re black or Arab, worry not! There’s room for you in the ANP as well. They even claim Black and Arab Nazi troops were treated better than black American troops during the war, but there’s something about this fact that just doesn’t seem that true to me… Despite Hitler’s progressiveness, the ANP does not allow for “sympathizers” to attend meetings, conference calls, or other inner-party events. But they’ll take your $10 monthly membership fee without a question. 

You’d think a group like this would have trouble gaining members on account of being condemned by most of the world and losing a whole ass war. However, there are still rallies that are held with hundreds of people coming out to show their pride and faithfulness to the aryan race. At the Charlottesville rally in 2017, protestors clashed with counter protestors, forcing a state of emergency to be issued. 


Charlottesville rally in 2017

Attending a white supremacy rally is like attending the ultimate LARP battle. If everyone in the LARP battle was super racist and an alcoholic. 

The “Unite the Right Rally” brought together all of the alt-right enthusiasts and let them get their voice out there to the world. Ya know, in a respectful way. That is until “self identified white supremacist” James Alex Fields rammed a bunch of counter protestors with his car, killing one and injuring 19. But you know what they say, it's not a white supremacy rally unless someone who thinks their ideas are absolutely wrong gets hit by a car… Fucking hell. 

Now back to the matter at hand here, this is a shit show of a human being. The fact this man had to drink two bottles of whiskey before getting his brother to tat this on him should be enough of a red flag that he might not have been making the best decision at that point in time. I can only imagine what this family is like. I guess the shit apple doesn’t fall far from the shit tree… 

This is the problem: Nazism is systemic. Hatred and intolerance is passed down through each generation. Our world is plagued with it. The thing is that Nazis are fighting an uphill battle. It’s a fight they will never be able to win. I mean, if Hitler lost with a whole ass army and a brainwashed nation on his side, a dude with a swastika tattooed on his balls doesn’t stand a chance. 

Don’t be a Nazi, you’re joining a losing fight with no chance of winning. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? Siding with a bunch of people who see no room in this world for anyone who doesn’t conform or doesn’t fit their idealistic image of a person? Wouldn’t you feel like an idiot if you were thrown in jail for 19 months for trying to prove your commitment to the cause by getting a symbol tattooed on your nuts? Anyone who answers that with anything other than a resounding yes, deserves to be jailed anyway. And I guarantee the guy with the laser removing it is not going to take it easy on you, not whatsoever. 

In the end, its fuck Nazis and will always be fuck Nazis, if that even needed to be said. What do they expect though? There’s no way in hell the party or ideologies could be revived and sustained in the world today. So, if you’re ever considering switching sides, don’t. There’s no point. You lost in 1945 and there’s no chance for you to even come close to what was accomplished then, even if you wanted and even if you get a tattoo on your nutsack.

Everybody love everybody.



Written by: John Balser


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