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The Florida Man: A 100th Blog Celebration

The Florida Man: A 100th Blog Celebration
Hi there. Thank you for clicking on our 100th blog. It’s been a long journey filled with blood, sweat, tears, and enough cocaine I mean caffeine to put a sloth through college. So to thank you, our valued readers, for all of the nothing you’ve done to get us to this point, we thought we’d put together a little celebratory something that really encapsulates the essence of Down to the Wire.
 
Longtime listeners, and also anyone who’s accidentally clicked on one of our podcasts once, know that we fucking love Florida Man stories. It’s the Spongebob to our Patrick, the basketball to our Hip Hop, the transgender debate to our Rogan. So, what better way to celebrate this new milestone with you all than by digging up the best Florida Man stories that took place on each of our birthdays. It’s basically astrology, just way better in every imaginable way. Plus, this way you’ll know when all of our birthdays are. We’ll leave our PayPals at the bottom. Enjoy!

January 14 - John's Birthday

Headline: ‘Kill ‘Em With Kindness’: Florida Man Stabs Neighbour With Machete Named ‘Kindness'

John’s birthday could have the ultimate “Florida Man” story. The headline reads ‘Kill ‘Em With Kindness’: Florida Man Stabs Neighbour With Machete Named ‘Kindness,” published on Jan 14, 2019 by CBS Miami. And if that ain’t Florida, I don’t know what is.

 
Bryan Stewart allegedly cut a man with a machete right after he was heard threatening to kill another person “with kindness”.
 
For any DTTW listeners, you may remember this from one of our episodes.
 
Before this goes any further, it has to be said that he had “kindness” written right on the blade. That is classic comedy, I don’t care who you are.
kindness machete
First of all, major fucking loop hole. As a police officer you should have a hard time arguing with that logic.
 
Second of all, the victim only got a half-inch cut on his hand so let’s grow up buddy. You didn’t even come close to death. You got a little cut from a guy swinging a machete with an IQ much higher than yours. Face it, you lost, he won.
 
Everyone should be mad that they didn’t think of this first. If people want to commit crimes, which we definitely do not condone, this is the way to do it. Just make sure you clean yourself up before you do because as you might notice in Mr. Stewart’s mugshot, he is wearing a hospital gown. And it has to be hard to plead your case with your ass out.
 
But this has our staff puzzled as to where it comes from. Did he soil himself and the police gave it to him? Did he commit the crime wearing it? Did he commit the crime naked and get the gown after? It’s a head scratcher for sure, and if you have any information, please reach out.
 
Let’s go back to the injury the victim suffered here for a second. Apparently the victim walked away from the altercation with only a half inch cut on his hand. One thing that can be said about this whole thing is that this guy is a fucking baby. Grow up buddy. People get paper cuts bigger than that.
 
I don’t know why this guy even pressed charges. It’s not even like something really bad happened. We share the world with crackheads and you gotta be able to live in harmony with them. Sometimes they lash out, but that’s life. Crack happens. Society as a whole is becoming soft when it comes to random acts of sword violence by tweakers. In the words of the late great Kobe Bryant, “You motherfuckers are soft like Charmin in this motherfucker.”
 
So next time someone presses you on the sidewalk with a sword, stop and ask him how his day is going. You don’t know his story, he could just need a hug. Not every drugga with a sword is dangerous.

April 10 - Tamara's Birthday

Headline: 'Florida Man Defiles Washing Machine At Soapy's Coin Laundromat, Cops Report'

Tamara’s birthday Florida Man story is short but sweet, just like her. And just like for her, ‘sweet’ is precisely the wrong descriptor for this story. The headline, published in the smoking gun, an online crime tabloid, reads: “Florida Man Defiles Washing Machine At Soapy's Coin Laundromat, Cops Report.”
 
When we first read this, we thought that the Florida Man had engaged in some form of sexual activity with the washing machine. We’ll admit, our curiosity was piqued. How would you go about fucking a washing machine? We had never thought about the sexual uses for laundry appliances when there was no step-relative available to get stuck in them. Was it good? This could have been a teachable moment for us.
 
But when we kept reading, our pedagogical aspirations were shattered. Turns out, by “defile,” the headline meant ‘shit on the floor and then shove the shit into the “soap loading compartment.”’ Much less applicable to daily life. I will say though, that if there’s anything that we at DTTW love more than Florida Men, it’s poop bandit stories, so big points there.
 
I’m not sure what else there is to talk about here though, other than you shouldn’t shit on the floor of your local laundromat. Laundromats are already fucking weird places to do anything other than laundry, let alone shit on the floor. Especially at 7:40 AM, which is apparently when the 2017 incident took place. How do you even have the capacity to shit on demand like that at 7:40 AM? It usually takes us at least 12 Instagram stories and three Snapchat replies if it’s that early in the morning.
 
Seriously, the only people who should be able to just pump out logs at 7:40 AM are middle-aged dads getting ready for work, and I hope to God for the sake of every Floridian child that this man does not fit into that demographic. That wasn’t a gender thing either, I’ve just never heard of a woman pooping.
 
By the way Tamara, that doesn’t make you any less of a prime suspect in the DTTW office poop bandit investigation, okay? Just because we don’t know how you shit on the side of our toilet doesn’t mean that you didn’t do it, it just means that you’re tricky. We’ll get to the bottom of it soon, and when we do, know that your days are numbered. Maybe you hired this guy. Looks like we’ve got some digging to do.

July 15 - Jacob's Birthday

Headline: ‘Florida Man Pulls Gun, Makes Death Threat In Mask Argument At Walmart'

Some things are just meant for each other: Oreos and milk, peanut butter and jam, me and your mom, and Florida and Walmart. Longtime listeners of Down to the Wire know how big this is — this is worlds colliding. Like seriously, picture Earth and Mars rubbing fronts, and that’s Walmart mixing with Florida.

 
We’ve had our fair share of absurd Walmart and Florida Backpage News stories, but rarely together. Which made me think, why don’t powerhouses team up as much as they should? Think about it: Micheal Jackson and Prince, Brad Pitt and Bradley Cooper, Brandi Love and Lana Rhoades, all must see spectacles.
 
The only explanation can be competition. The desire to be separated from the pack as the greatest at whatever it is that you do. In this case, it’s a battle for the title of ‘Anything Fucked Up You Can Do, I Can Do Better.’ If America has shown us anything it’s that whatever you have, they have more. Whether we're talking fat people or Coronavirus cases, they will one-up you. This explains why the two most American places in America seem to be in this unnecessary competition. So whenever they do collab, we must appreciate it.
 
Speaking of Coronavirus, this brings us to what Florida News brought the world on Racco’s birthday in 2020. On July 15, CBS Miami published a story titled ‘Florida Man Pulls Gun, Makes Death Threat In Mask Argument At Walmart’. Not sure what else needs to be said, the headline pretty much sums it up, but here’s what happened: an unmasked man in Walmart was approached by a masked shopper, which led to a confrontation, others intervened, and then of course the unmasked man pulled a gun on them because I thought this was America, is it not?

 

 

We need guns to protect ourselves! It’s my Goddamn right, right? Well actually, go fuck yourself. If someone approaches you to mask up so everyone else can have the right to live freely sometime soon (probably not though, because of people like this) and that’s enough to warrant you pulling a gun, that tells me you probably shouldn’t have a gun. And also fuck you Walmart for selling guns in the first place. It should be common sense that people who are frequent shoppers at that establishment probably aren’t people we should allow to control deadly firearms. I don’t wanna be that guy, but you kinda asked for this Walmart. You deserve having to deal with people pulling guns in your store if you’re willingly selling guns to those who frequent Walmart, let alone Walmarts in Florida.

 
Also, I think it’s worth noting that the unmasked man was pushing another man in a wheelchair. No, it’s not worth noting just because he’s in a wheelchair. C’mon guys grow up, it’s not like we’re there, we can’t stare anyways. It’s worth noting because the wheelchair occupant was in fact masked up, though his choice of face covering was a bandana held manually over his mouth…
 
At least put it on man, are you dumb or are you dumber? You do realize it’s more effort to just hold it there than to take the extra 7 seconds and tie it on. Or just get one of the real masks so you don’t have to keep tying the bandana on and off if it’s too much work for you. You can go to a hospital and ask for one, you’re in a wheelchair dude, no one can say no to a guy in a wheelchair. Except stairs. Stairs and pools. And insurance companies.

September 27 - Lefika's Birthday

Headline: ‘Florida man arrested after whipping out samurai sword in trash dispute’

“One man’s garbage is another man person’s good ungarbage”
 
~ Ricky LaFleur, TPB
 
The incident that occurred on Lefika a.k.a ChauStax (Chow • stacks), a.k.a Chau Hunny (Chow • hun • ee ), a.k.a Fixxx (Feeks), a.k.a Fik’D (Feek • Day), a.k.a Fik Daddy’s (Feek • Daddie’s) birthday shows the extent to which a Florida Man will go for a person’s good ungarbage.
 
On September 27, 2019, Global News released the following article, ‘Florida man arrested after whipping out samurai sword in trash dispute’. Which obviously started with a reasonable argument over the all important wheelbarrow during a ‘neighbourhood bulk trash pile’. Before going any further, I would just like to point out that rather than a neighbourhood garage/yard sale, the good people of Florida have decided to have ‘bulk trash piles’. It’s like Costco, but for people’s good ungarbage.
 
The unlucky gaijin, Todd Beavers (tough name), was out jogging when he saw the community junk pile and stopped to check out the scene. The article elaborates:
 
“Police say the victim, Todd Beavers, was out jogging when he saw the suspect perusing a bulk trash pile in the neighbourhood of Oakland Park. Beavers claimed a wheelbarrow from the pile that the suspect also wanted, and the two men started arguing.”
 
Hold up. Fuck you Todd Beavers. So you’re telling me you saw a guy ‘perusing’ a trash pile so you stalked him, then saw him pick out a wheelbarrow and decided you also wanted the same wheelbarrow? You’re an asshole dude. You went out of your way to fuck with this guy’s trip to the neighbourhood bulk trash pile. If you ask me, you deserve what you’re about to get.
 
Beavers jogged his way home with the wheelbarrow and the suspect, Curtis Miller, caught up and followed him back to the house. The security camera caught the following footage of Miller pulling out his samurai sword and swinging it at Beavers.

Apparently rodent boy didn’t even get hit after all those swipes, so takeaway number one is that the samurai sword guy has no skills. Second thing I think is worth pointing out here is how Miller was just carrying around a sword with him. Why the fuck is that your weapon of choice? If you’re not going to use a gun, I always say a ball and chain is the best weapon to use. No one fucks with a guy who owns a flail. Also, people call their significant others ‘the ol’ ball and chain', which is an apt metaphor for the intensely slow and painful death it will deal you.
 
It’s not like he would have had time to go home and pick out his favourite katana from his sword collection either. He left his house that day to go to the town junk pile and he went strapped with a sword. This is why we did a blog based on Florida Men, because they do wild shit, it’s like Mad Max out there.
 
Todd Beavers went on to say he had regrets about the wheelbarrow incident and that “he didn’t even need it”. Fuck you man, if you ask me Curtis Miller is the real victim. You went out of your way to ruin junk pile day for him and now he’s in jail (we assume). I’m starting to wish that he didn’t miss all 14 of his swings at you, Todd. Maybe you would have learned your fucking lesson: never screw with another man’s good ungarbage.

November 12 - Colman's Birthday

Headline: ‘Naked Florida man revealed on video sneaking into restaurant and munching on ramen’

I just wanna say before I start on this story that Fake News really is a big problem in America. The other Florida Man headline for Colman’s birthday was this: “Florida man dressed like Fred Flintstone pulled over in his ‘footmobile,’” which is objectively a better story than your generic naked guy restaurant break-in. The problem is, the Miami Herald is run by a bunch of clickbaiting scumbags.

 
Freddy Flint’s car was literally just like a brown Smart Car with paper-mache bumpers that kinda make it look like the cartoon. There was no hole cut into the floor, and he wasn’t even actually speeding in his regular, bullshit, not-footmobile. I was expecting a PCP addict breaking 30 with a 2,500 lb backpack, and now I’m fucking disappointed.
 
The cops just pretended to pull over this random dad with a cosplay hobby so that they could take pictures with him and post on Facebook in hopes that it would distract from their State’s rampant poverty and drug epidemics (plural). Epidemics, I should add, from which we at DTTW derive so much entertainment value. Seriously, like half of our business model is reliant on the Florida government’s incompetence and now suddenly the cops think they’re the fucking comedians?
 
Well newsflash assholes, you’re still a plague on society, and I’m still the one who writes mediocre jokes and puts them on the internet for free, okay? So know your place. Speaking of which, here’s a real Florida Man story for November 12: in 2018, the Tampa Bay Times reported a double-header break-in at a local restaurant called The Chattaway. Police were investigating a standard Florida restaurant burglary wherein a man spent about an hour hanging out with a plate of chicken wings and a beer before making off with about 500 bucks worth of loot.
 
This is a barely reportable story in Florida. Boilerplate procedure, low effort, with minimal creativity. The only redeemable feature is the pace at which he robbed the eatery, which is mildly amusing and shows a respectable level of confidence that might earn a forceful exhale from like a librarian maybe. I would give this Florida Man story a soft D — like when you accidentally think of Elizabeth Warren during sex. Happens to the best of us.
 
That said, the story makes a major recovery in the second half. While reviewing security footage, a police officer accidentally scrolled to the previous night where he managed to find redemption for Florida’s reputation: unrelated to the initial shoddy performance, a different man rode his bike to The Chattaway, broke in clothed, and exited naked.
 
He then sat down at a picnic table intended for the restaurant’s customers and whipped out his bongos. This is not a metaphor for anything, the video showed him playing the bongos alone in the dark. Also, prior to delivering what had to be a truly virtuosic performance worthy of the Donkey Kong himself, this absolute unit paused to refuel on some instant ramen that he had brought with him for the occasion — as in, this man packed a lunch for his break-in to a restaurant.
 
Say what you want, but that’s dedication to the craft. To be a Florida Man, one cannot simply be a man in Florida. One must embody the essence of what it means to be a man in Florida. The first guy is an asshole. The second is an artist, and a true man of the people. Plus, he left no trace. The restaurant said they would never have noticed his presence had it not been for the video evidence — they couldn’t even find his clothes, which were not adorning the trespasser at the time of his departure. They aren’t pressing charges.
 
Like Banksy, this second man produced his art not out of some egotistical desire to be recognized, but out of a fervent need to create, to have his message delivered to the cosmos, expecting nothing in return. And though it was but a modest act, nothing too sensational or groundbreaking, for me this engenders what true, down to earth Florida Men are all about. If anything, his successor’s follow-up flop serves only to highlight the excellence of this modest hero.
Written by:
Colman Brown
Jacob Racco
John Balser
 
Instagram/Twitter:
@Lankmun
@Jacobracco
@Johnbalsohard