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Seriously Florida, What the Fuck?

Seriously Florida, What the Fuck?

by Johnny Blaze

Why is it that anything goes in Florida? Does not giving a fuck about literally anything just run in their water? Or is it an unspoken rule among the state’s residents that you can do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it no matter how illogical, immoral, illegal, questionable, ridiculous or twisted it is? I need answers as I just can’t seem to wrap my head around this story and I think it’s a good example that may help us all try to figure what goes on in the average Floridian’s head.
Cody Meader is a 20 year old man who was recently arrested for doing something you’re not really allowed to do in a Target. Now you’re probably thinking, “Oh man, was he stealing? Was he spying on the changing rooms? Was he licking food and putting it back on the shelves? Was he a poop bandit that finally got caught?” Nope. None of the above, which are all better options for what Cody actually got arrested for.
No, what Cody Meader actually got arrested for on Tuesday, Oct. 23 in a Target in St. Petersburg Florida was for having sex with a stuffed animal. Yes, you read that right, Cody was having sex with stuffed animals in a Florida Target.
The worst part is I include “Florida” as if it makes it better… And oddly enough it kind of does, right?
This is acceptable behaviour if you are perhaps a two-year-old, non-neutered chihuahua with a couple of magic blue pills in your system but I’ll speak for us all here when I say that this is far from the case and far from normal actions of a 20-year-old fella.
This doesn’t even seem real to me. For instance, how does this even seem like a real news headline: “Florida man arrested for having sex with stuffed ‘Olaf’ at Target”? I had to do a double take, not because I was surprised by a man being arrested for having sex with stuffed animals in Florida but rather the fact that it happened at a Target and not a Walmart. The headline looks like a textbook Texas Walmart story, but I guess some plots do have twists.
The thing I’m wondering most is whether or not this was his plan for the day? Or was he was just walking through Target and Olaf gave him the eyes and he just had to have him right then and there, so he got down and dirty with his snowy ass and threw him back on the shelf like the dirty little snowman he is? Both aren’t great alternatives and I don’t think I really want to put myself in his shoes in case things go south and I get overcome by the same temptations and wind up feeding the corn to some unsuspecting stuffies…
What do you do if you turn the corner in aisle seven and catch him in the act? I feel as if there is an unspoken rule that anything goes in Florida and you have to kind of just turn away and let them finish. That leads me to believe there is no unspoken rule amongst Florida’s citizens. With that, the only conclusion I can come to is that there must be something in the water.
So, if you’re going to take anything from this post, it probably will not be an answer to any questions you had at the beginning but rather a warning. A warning to not drink the water in Florida because before you know it you could be the guy or gal locked up for having a fuzzy threesome in a Target, and I don’t think that’s a guy any of us want to be.
Written by:
John Balser
Instagram: @johnbalsohard


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