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Rules of Burglary

Rules of Burglary

by Cosimo

Im not saying you should do it, but if you’re gonna rob a house, do it right. Now, I have no experience myself so the advice I’m about to give is no better than Mothafucker Jones’ advice on how to kill someone in ‘Horrible Bosses’. That being said, I think we’ve covered enough Backpage News stories on Down to the Wire for me to give you some helpful tips and key pointers or shed light for tactics some folks have used.
If your a listener of our Down to the Wire podcast, you’ve probably heard us talk about some of these stories. The first one, coming out of the state that gives us the most content, Florida.
Recently Gavin Crim, a 19-year-old Marine was found breaking into a Florida residents home, but for all the right reasons. A man came downstairs at 4 a.m. to find Gavin cooking up some breakfast, when the Marine reportedly told the man to ‘go back to sleep’.
Holy power move my dude. What a badass way to defend yourself while cooking someone else’s bacon and eggs, in their house, at 4 a.m. in the morning. The only way he could have asserted more dominance would be if the resident actually went back to sleep and woke up to a full-out brunch for the entire family.
This leads to the first rule of burglary, always cook something for the residents. It really is the least you can do. It may even make them feel better about losing their flat screen TV, Brita filter and all of the left shoes out of their closet.
But let’s not be too hard on Gavin here, it’s not all his fault. His minds probably in a pretzel from Sargent Richard Johnson being on his ass during mess hall, so he confused protecting and serving his country with going door to door at 4 a.m. protecting and serving. . . pancakes (*drum set going ‘bu dum tissh’)
Next we got a homegrown story from here in Canada. However, this guys method could use some adjustments before adding anything to the list. Garry Lambe, broke into a property in Toronto, ate some food that he found, then left a photocopy of his face.
This is fucking scary man… I don’t know if this is a rookie mistake or straight out of a horror movie because maybe Garry is a psycho genius wanting us to think he’s an idiot, but in actuality he has us all in the palm of his hand. Plus he’s wearing a fedora.
There is no way that you could turn on a photocopier, scan your face and leave it by mistake. Also, how the fuck did he get the fedora to stay on his head while photocopying his face? Not only that, how did he get the photocopier to register his fedora without squishing it on the scanner? Why is he wearing a fedora if its not 1947? Most importantly, why did he leave a photocopy of his face after a burglary attempt?
I don’t know, there’s some crazy mastermind shit going on here and my minds in a bigger fuck show than after watching Shutter Island. But unfortunately were not all about the mind manipulation game, so we’re gonna have to make the second rule of burglary to not wear a fedora and the third to not leave a photocopy of your face.
This blog is far from finished. If you are going to take our advice, which you should, we will be adding on to ensure that you aren’t making the rookie mistakes the people making it onto our Backpage News are. This is merely the beginning. We are here for you. The good, the bad and the evil. We’re here for the people. Stay tuned for more pro-tips from Down to the Wire.
Written by:
Jacob Racco
Instagram: @jacobracco


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