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Hank the Tank Does the Race and Beats the Case

Hank the Tank Does the Race and Beats the Case

by Johnny Blaze


Hank the Tank has been at the centre of much controversy in the news lately. The legend of the 500-pound black bear has grown to sizes that eclipse Hanks rotund features, as news organizations from around the world point the spotlight on this furry criminal mastermind. (I’m sorry if that was confusing, Hank the Tank is a real black bear, not a 500-pound human furry that is a chronic breaker and enterer.)

The Lake Tahoe region of California is the perfect habitat for black bears to thrive. Residents have even become accustomed to locking their garbage in bear safe receptacles and never leaving food waste outside. You know, the classic anti bear theft preventative measures that will ensure a healthy coexistence with any omnivorous animals.

Then there is Tahoe Keys, a gated community about 190 miles northeast of San Francisco that can’t seem to find a natural peace with the thriving black bear community that has definitely existed far longer than any dwellings on the land. It has been reported that Tahoe Keys residents have called in about black bear related disturbances approximately 100 times since the summer of 2021.

Now as a guy who grew up in an environment that can best be described as rural, the thought of gated communities is foreign. When I think of gated communities, I picture the women have hair like this:

(Photo taken from an article called “The Karen Haircut Everyone’s Avoiding Right Now, written by Arabella Roden)

 

And the men all dress like this:

(Photo taken from an article called “What To Wear: From the Boat to the Yacht Club” from a site called A.K. Rikk’s)

So, it is no surprise to me that they cannot solve their bear problems on their own. I write this as if I’m the type of guy to go toe to toe, 1 v 1, with a 10th round KO against a bear with my bare hands like Khabib. I’m not that guy, I promise you, but for the sake of this blog, let’s picture that I look like this:

(Thanks for getting this candid of me, Abby Savage)

Hank the Tank is the lead suspect in a slew of burglaries in the Tahoe Keys neighbourhood. This is for good reason, as he has been caught red handed (or red clawed for all the bears reading this right now) on numerous occasions while ransacking the suburban oasis. 

We covered this story on an episode of DTTW (Check that out here or here, skip to 19:37 if you just want Hank the Tank content) but that mostly just consisted of us roasting a bear for being 500 pounds which isn’t as fat as we thought because adult black bear weights range from 126-551 pounds. This still makes Hank morbidly obese, but there is still at least one outlier that weighed 551 pounds which makes me feel a little bad for focusing so much on his weight.

What we were worried about was that due to his affinity towards human food, he would have to be euthanized . The saying “they’re more scared of us than we are of them” did not apply to Hank the Tank as he thought no ways about jimmying his way into a home and depleting any stash of snacks in his way.

Why would he fear us? He’s a fucking 500-pound bear. This may be the first bear with a junk food addiction and enough common sense to know that we are no match for him. I never understood that saying either, because whether we admit it or not, we are terrified of bears because they are FUCKING BEARS MAN. HOW THE FUCK WOULDN’T THEY STRIKE FEAR INTO YOUR HEART AND PARALYZE YOU IN YOUR STEPS. THEY’RE FUCKING MASSIVE AND TERRIFYING. Not for me though because, well, you saw what I looked like above.

 Hank the Tank shares something in common with young rap star turned murderer, Tay-K. Both Hank and Tay-K did the race, however Hank beat the case, Tay-K is still in jail because he murdered two people. Punishment fits the crime though, Tay-K is going to be in jail for life for his crimes which resulted in three deaths. Hank just broke into some homes and stole some snacks because he had a taste for the finer things in life, so I see no justifiable reason to sentence him to death.

The newest development in the Hank the Tank saga is that he is not acting alone. In fact there are at least three other black bears who have been perpetrating B and E’s all over the Tahoe Keys area. Due to DNA evidence, it has now surfaced that Hank could be the leader of a snack theft crime syndicate, looking to fuck with white America’s peace of mind when it comes to how secure their Doritos Sweet Chili Heats are.

For obvious reasons we were ecstatic that Hank and his cohorts beat the case, and we hope they keep fighting the good fight. Taking back what is rightfully theirs, a habitat that looks as if it breeds the kids who don’t mind paying $35 for a gram of shitty mall weed.

(Pictured above: Tahoe Keys, via Lake Tahoe Accommodations & Vacation Rentals)

Written by: Johnny Blaze

Title photo credit: NPR.org

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