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by Johnny Blaze

COVID-19 has turned the world upside down. It started out as a joke. And then shit hit the fan real hard. People started to freak out and for some reason hoarding toilet paper was the way to beat this virus taking the world by storm? Y’all look some stupid now.
However there are people who look stupider than those folks stock piling toiletries for whatever reason. COVID-19 has bred a whole new kind of stupid person. I mean something you can’t even see has killed almost 34,000 people should be enough to scare everyone into staying 6 feet apart, in groups of less than 5 and the fuck inside.
But alas, this is the lowest 1% we must remember.
Let’s start in Florida (classic). Specifically, spring break in Florida. The beaches were still packed full of kids just swapping fluids as my friend Guyco says. It just doesn’t make sense. Countries are shutting down and people in Florida were still doing body shots, grinding and swapping rolled up dollar bills like nothing was wrong. For like a week. What the fuck. I don’t know how many confirmed cases came out of this, but don’t blame your sniffles on the blow, Derek.
Florida man I tell ya.
But there are some fucking iiiiiiiiiiidiots out there. It seems as if there’s a new infatuation with licking everything now, especially things that you shouldn’t be licking ever, let alone during a pandemic. This makes me wonder if this was always a thing? It is a distinct possibility that there is a large population of people out there who like licking door handles and toilet seats in secret, but someone just posted a video and now it’s cool.
Like this guy from Missouri who posted a video of himself licking lotion bottles or something while he says “I’m a nasty motherfucker” and asks, “who's scared of coronavirus?” First, yeah you are the nastiest of motherfuckers. And second, everyone is scared of the Corona Virus you psycho. GET THE FUCK INSIDE so we can stop watching sports re-runs all day.
Or even worse, this woman posted a video of her licking an airplane toilet seat. Airplane. Toilet. Seat. The worst part is she is an Instagram influencer. An influencer influences. That means in theory, this lady is influencing people to lick airplane toilet seats for the Corona Virus Challenge. We have to chill on these challenges guys. A spoonful of cinnamon is one thing, but a deadly virus? Y’all dumb. Y’all really dumb.
This lady is singlehandedly destroying the little respect the profession “Instagram Influencer” has.
Don’t lick toilet seats guys. Please.
It’s like some people just don’t get it. For instance Spanish police had to arrest a group of individuals planning to have a drug filled orgy during a nation-wide lockdown. The want for swapping fluids is through the roof right now. Does 6 feet apart and 5 people or less not mean anything to you people? C’mon Pornhub premium is free now.
20 people were supposed to be in attendance of the drug fuelled sex party. I’m not one to turn down a good party but come on, WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY. Sorry, sorry I’m getting a little George Costanza-y.
Half the people think the world is going to end and the other half are making memes. I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw an underground black market for toilet paper if we keep going at the rate we are. I know, I know, various toilet paper companies have said they can meet the demand but I’m not so sure. There’s something those little Charmin bears are hiding I swear.
Let’s go back to Florida. Poor Safraz Shadeek Shakoor was all out of TP and more than likely couldn’t get any at the grocery store because a couple of people spazzed and bought the whole stock. So he ran next door and stole a roll of toilet paper from a package in his neighbor’s truck just after midnight.
His neighbor saw him on a security camera though and called the police, who arrested Shakoor at around 1:40 a.m. I would be pissed. His neighbor called in a theft under $1 in value. What a dick.
These times call for helping thy neighbor and that is not the case here. I mean it’s hard to expect much more from a guy who keeps a pack of toilet paper in his truck right? I find it rather peculiar that a guy has 6 rolls of TP in his truck. Well 5 I guess thanks to Safraz…
The normal thing to do is just collect napkins at every fast food place you go to and throw them in your console. That way you don’t look like a fucking weirdo with a 6 pack of TP in your truck. Like how much do you poop dude?
The world is a crazy place right now man. I’m having a hard time understanding it all as I imagine you are too. All I know is I hope it passes soon. I’m tired of not being sure whether I’m scared to go outside or not…
If it hasn’t come clear to y’all yet, you should be at home, by yourself and not out licking shit. Sit back on that nice throne of toilet paper I hope you built with your stash because you aren’t the worst people anymore.
These people are the worst. They are COVIDIOTS and you don’t wanna be a COVIDIOT. You’re smarter than that. You’re better that. I am here for you. We are here to talk if you need to talk.
Written by:
John Balser
Instagram: @johnbalsohard


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