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Club Baby

Club Baby

by Cosimo

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm. What’s worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
Giving birth at 5:30 in the morning inside a French nightclub.
A 19-year-old pregnant woman was convinced by a friend to come to the club for a “change of scene” due to her personal issues. First off, find better friends. Second, maybe go anywhere else but a club for a little ‘change of scenery’ when you’re nine months pregnant.
She, who was un-named, went into labour while on the dance floor and workers of the club found her on the ground at 5:30 a.m when most of the partiers had already left. From there a worker had to deliver the child while getting directions from a paramedic over the phone.
What the actual fuck.
How hard do they party in Europe for someone to walk by a lady going into labour at the club and not even flinch. If that were in Canada the whole joint would have been on the floor helping out. Also, imagine deciding to be a bartender or bouncer, never expecting to understand human anatomy when one night on the job you find yourself delivering a child with a group of paramedics relying on you. And also some random lady’s fucking baby.
What the fuck.
I won’t even touch your god damn cat, never mind pulling a slippery jelly covered human out of your baby maker.
I can’t get over how this woman went to a club while she was carrying a child. Although it was confirmed she wasn’t drinking, I can’t see how that scene could benefit a newborn. The kids not even on Earth yet and he’s exposed to alcohol, grinding, twerking and ‘Pussy Poppin’ by Ludacris. Sounds like the recipe for a douchebag baby.
This is how you make a kid that will only listen to EDM, wear those aviators with plastic all around the around the lens and fist pump harder than DJ Pauly D. Just when you thought the path to being the worst person ever for this kid wasn’t any easier, the club gave the newborn, who was pronounced a boy, free entry for life as a gift.
Its over, buy him 7 cut-off shirts for every day of the week, a Bills Mafia drinking mug, 52 plastic tables for every Saturday night, a tub of condoms because he won’t, and a pair of knock off Oakleys because your son is named Chad and gets silly with the lads over a coupla soda pops and full sends on the reg brah. Wait no, he’ll be French… Pierre then, yeah, Pierre sounds like a docuhey French guy.
Hope your happy lady, also this is a warning of what bad parenting does to society. So next time you see a shit person just know the shit apple doesn’t fall far from the shit tree. Unfortunately we can't prevent these dumb people from making dumb choices and making more dumb people, but we sure as hell can make fun of them and learn from them.
As my mother would say, ‘You can’t fix stupid’.
Written by:
Jacob Racco
Instagram: @jacobracco


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