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Backpage News

Army Goat Prank, WalMart Pulls Singing Cocaine Toy & Man Banned From All You Can Eat BBQ

by Jacques Rockhard

Podcast recap time baby, let’s go. On brand as always, Racco kicked off last week’s episode with a little self-promotion. We got a new show alert, ladies and gentlemen, which means roughly 33% more backpage news and 50-100% new personalities every week. That’s right, Down to the Wire Entertainment is proud to present the Backpage News Network, our show which brings together local and regional comedians (international pending, Bill Burr hasn’t answered our emails) to joke about weird news from beyond the front page. It’s kind of like what we do already, but we make other people do the jokes for us.

So keep an eye out for that, the pilot is out already. Moving swiftly on, we make a brief stop to establish that everyone on set is a good 7/10 (self-evaluated) before getting into the Of The Weeks — our honourable mentions for this week’s weirdest shit.

Our purge moment of the week was a story about an organized robbery involving 80 different thieves at a California Nordstrom and our “do you even burn?” moment of the week was about illegal grow-ops in Oregon pissing off the legal growers in the community. 

Discussion of the purge story brought up some very interesting questions about logistics and organized crime at the exclusively petty level. Witnesses reported cars pulling up to block the street in front of the Nordstrom, robbers hopping out, Supermarket Sweeping the store, and returning shortly to the waiting cars before speeding away. This begs some questions: How did they all pull up at the same exact time, was there a staging area in a WalMart parking lot nearby? Did all of them know each other? And if not, how did they spread the word? Regardless, did they use a WhatsApp group text, Discord, or a Facebook Group to coordinate? How did they come up with the genius divide and conquer strategy? And how can I get in on it?

Lucky for you, in depth discussion of some of those questions is available in audio format! Isn’t that something? Anyway, the main sticking point we had with the grow-op story was that the article mentioned that managers of 73 sites “told inspectors to go away” which is not a strategy I realized anyone was allowed to use. Although it does help to explain the rash of illegal dispensaries that were allowed to flourish in the years before legalization. You guys remember those? Johnny and Racco sure do. You wanna know why? Cause they do actually burn. They’re not pussies. And they’ve gotta story for you... available in audio format!

And here’s one in video format, it’s the final OTW. Blue Mountain State moment of the week goes to:

Okay, so that was mostly about spanking. What? It’s funny.

Here comes the main event, it’s Backpage News. Not the new show, just the segment. It’s different because this one we have to make up all the jokes. Let’s see how we did. 

We had a double serving of whacked-out Americans this week. I’ve heard a lot of talk recently about the fall of America’s empire, and I think if that’s truly what’s happening, it’ll be little moments like these that we look back on as the warning signs: The Tennessee man who threatened Little Caesars workers with AK-47 during 10-minute wait and the Florida man who tried to trade in vehicle he stole from same dealership are exhibits one and two of the deep rot in either the American education system or the American mental health care system and probably both. Fortunately, they are also really easy to laugh at. 

Plus we got a wholesome story about a perfectly reasonable family activity from Racco out of it so let’s all forget about the existential threats brewing south of the border and hear about some of the best father-son bonding since the start of Catch Me If You Can.

Watch it here on Instagram

Then we had my personal favourite story based solely on how low the stakes are, and how much of a pain in the dick this must be for WalMart: Walmart pulls children's toy off its website that swears and sings in Polish about doing cocaine. The mix up was discovered by a polish grandmother and WalMart had to investigate and pull the product but I love that the grandma was so offended by it. Like, do you know how many hoops you have to jump through to have this toy make any kind of impact on a child’s life? The kid would have to know Polish, receive this specific singing cactus, be old enough to understand the references (which are, again, in Polish) but not be old enough to have gone on the internet and learned them already. I’m just saying, this is some extremely niche outrage. None of this is discussed on the podcast, but you hear what the other idiots have to say if you click the link, I guess, whatever. 

Our final story about a Chinese man who was banned from all-you-can-eat BBQ for eating too much had us working up a lather at the injustice of it all. If there is one fundamental principle we can all agree on, it isn’t free speech, it isn’t we’re all created equal, it’s that if the buffet says ‘all you can eat,’ it means ‘all you can eat.’ Respect this man’s dignity, don’t make a big deal out of it, just take the hit to your margins on the chin and stand by your principles. It’s about respect, it’s about drive, it’s about power, this man stays hungry, let him devour. That’s bars. Now, here’s some more America jokes: 

Finally, as always, we concluded the show with our Sports discussion. This week got nostalgic as we focused on a Charlie Sheen reference from like 2013 in the context of some spicy NFL moments (were they disrespectful or were they #winning? You decide!) and we reminisced about Kick a Ginger days of old. Good times. Which is what you will have, if you listen to our Down to the Wire podcast for more offbeat and weird news stories on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.

Also be sure to check out our YouTube to watch more clips and subscribe if you’d like to see more. Plus listen to full episodes of our Down to the Wire podcast for more offbeat and weird news stories on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.

See you next week!


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