Unnecessary fact that you probably didn’t need to know of the week: there’s a small group of people who take their morning shit while on their daily jog.
This isn’t fake news; they are a group of people coined ‘Poop Joggers’.
Talk about having the runs…
Oddly enough, all of the poop jogger stories Down to the Wire has come across have been stemmed from the same place.
God damned Australia.
I have 3 different ‘Poop Jogger’ Backpage News stories to show and explain to you, ALL of which come from Australia. Pooping in public while on your morning run is a popular past time down under it turns out. I always viewed them as efficient people, but you don’t shit where you eat… or jog.
Hard to blame ‘em though. If I flushed a toilet and saw the water turn counterclockwise, I’d be thrown off like Floyd Mayweather trying to read a Harry Potter book. And after that I’d probably vow to only poop in public for the rest of my days.
Before we try to understand the why, let me first break down exactly what we’re dealing with here.
Let’s go back to the origins of the ‘Poop Jogger’.
Picture someone you’d least expect, maybe in their mid-60’s, who’s an established city council member, a man responsible for the ways in which the city you live in will develop, who also happens to manage retirement homes across the country on the side.
This is your king; 64-year-old Andrew Macintosh. Your poop jogger king.
The first question that comes to mind, or at least to my mind, is was this a pre-meditated poop? Or was it a spur of the moment, that morning cup of coffee isn’t sitting too well, maybe an ill-timed cigarette, who knows, so I gotta quickly pop a squat behind that nice bush mid-jog type of poop?
Well, he wouldn’t be referred to as the OG Poop Jogger if it was a one-time ordeal. At this point, people in the neighborhood had come across 30 different piles of shit and were left with no leads as to who could be shitting on their town.
Also, you knew it wasn’t this guy’s first rodeo because each shit-pile was left behind with used toilet paper. You don’t just casually keep toilet paper on your hip unless you’re doing the dirty. Then again, he is 64 and I’m 99% sure old people clothes come with tissues already stuffed up each sleeve, along with Werthers Originals loaded in each pocket.
I’m no expert on public pooping but I think the best way to get away with it would be to avoid leaving toilet paper, make people think someone in the area just got a Great Dane or Saint Bernard or a gorilla, fuck it, who knows.
What makes the first known poop jogger interesting, aside from him being an old man who poops in the streets on a daily basis, is how he got caught. There was a group of people in the neighborhood who came together and set up night vision cameras at the location where he pooped the most. They captured some images of him, but none of them were definitive enough to hold any weight, especially in a court of law. So, one of the amateur detectives took matters into his own hands…
His name is Steve Smith and knowing the poop hot spots, he camped out in a bush at the break of dawn waiting for the infamous ‘Poop Jogger’. When Macintosh arrived at his self-proclaimed outhouse, Smith jumped out and snapped the photo above.
The best part about the story is the Poop Jogger just said ‘hello’, followed by Smith saying nothing at all and simply walking away. He later posted the picture online and Macintosh was ordered a $378 fine. An oddly specific amount to pay, and probably the same amount of money the town put into the night vision cameras to try and catch him. All in all, nothing was really solved, and a trend was born.
Next up, ‘The Paddington Pooper’.
10 minutes from the previous poop attack in Brisbane lies the next jogger to carry the baton in this twisted relay race of public pooping happening in Australia.
The town of Paddington is known to be a posh town if you will. Or in simpler terms, full of self-absorbed upper-class assholes with men that wear those pants that get tighter towards the ankles. Joggers I think they’re called…
It’s the type of town that would have ‘cuckhold’, ‘male domination’ and ‘edging’ as the top three most searched terms on PornHub. So, you can say this town deserves to get shit on for once.
What’s crazy is who the culprits are. The last Poop Jogger was a curveball being a 64-year-old, this time it’s a woman who looks like she’s got it together in her Lululemon attire.
It really be the people you least expect.
But if you’re like me and laugh at irony then having a lady do the most ‘un-lady like’ act in a very posh town is the type of thing you love to see. That along with people pooping on the street.
The thing about this Poop Jogger is that you can see her grasping her beef curtains as she’s mid-jog. So initially your thinking she’s just going to pop a squat and piss between two cars like a 19-year-old girl taking a piss surrounded by her friends outside a bar. Which is completely not noticeable by the way and no one can even remotely see what is going on, like at all. Seriously no one ever notices it, ever.
But it turns out rather than a quick tinkle she ended up dropping a log. And you would think that this poop wasn’t premeditated based on how abruptly she clenches her parts up leading up to her infamous squat between two cars.
But wrong again, this was in fact premeditated. How can I tell? Well, if you cover enough poop stories you tend to learn all the ins and outs of the poop community as well as the trends. Also, she brought toilet paper.
Whether it was planned out or not, it doesn’t matter to the tenants of the building, who captured the security footage of her taking a fat dump out front. The building belongs to celebrity PR agent Roxy Jacenko, so you can say this poor poop jogger’s career is over.
Watch this video of the PR agent’s office getting interviewed about the incident and you’ll see what I mean about this town deserving a little curbside steamer every now and then.
They also show no remorse for this woman who was just trying to relieve some toxins. Come on, we’re all human. Sometimes it just sneaks up on us in public and we gotta launch a quick butt shuttle.
The Poop Jogger is also apparently “not doing well” and doesn’t want her name or identity to be associated with this poop incident.
So, the lady who is commonly referred to as the ‘Paddington Pooper’ has a long way to go to change her reputation, might even need a PR agent to re-brand her life, ironic isn’t it?
Last but certainly not least is the most recent Poop Jogger incident which occurred about a month ago and is definitely the last of the three joggers I would want to be.
This Poop Jogger took a pit stop for his dump, choosing to go behind a dumpster, which was behind a store, where he would later find himself trapped behind a door.
Based on the way the store owner opens the backdoor, it makes you think he must have seen the Poop Jogger through a security camera or had a 6th sense for Poop Joggers, being there’s a serious issue in Australia. He slings the door open like it’s a rolled-up magazine trying to splat a fly on a window as the pooper quickly pulls up his pants.
Then the store owner immediately points out the shit and without even questioning him the jogger PICKS UP HIS OWN FRESHLY SQUEEZED SHIT WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
The crazy part is this guy just walks off with his own shit dripping through his fingers. Where is he taking it? What does shit feel like? Was he even finished his poop? He kind of has a little waddle in his step as he walks away so maybe not. But more importantly, what the fuck did I just watch?
Honestly, the more I think about it, fuck this guy. If you’re going to poop in public have a better plan of attack, he flat out cornered himself and asked for that to happen. I get you want to be hidden while taking a shit, but you need an escape route. Stick a quarter in your ass cuz you played yourself.
You need to find the perfect ratio of objects hiding you to free space to use as a getaway. Like go behind a bush or between two cars, both spots with easy access to run away in case you get spotted, but just enough protection to maintain privacy.
But if you're pooping in public intentionally, your privacy rights should go right out the window. Everyone should be allowed to watch like you’re a dog doing that weird back-legs in front of their front-legs stance while pooping. I also just realized dogs will never know the luxury of sitting while shitting. What a shame, that’s like the best part of 37% of the human population’s day.
Ultimately, I am a big fan of this trend happening in the Southern Hemisphere, I just feel like no one has perfected the art of ‘Poop Jogging’ quite yet. All the people who have attempted this risky game have been caught one way or another, so there has to be some lesson to be learned from this.
Either Lululemon or Nike need to start making running attire that’s built in with Depends diapers or Poop Joggers have to start taking notes from their local hobos on how to get shit done. Pun very intended.
Also, that collaboration idea between Nike and Depends is mine and if I ever see it, I’m suing and using this blog as my trademark rights. You heard it here first.