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A Really Shitty Blog

A Really Shitty Blog

by Johnny Blaze

It’s been a couple of weeks since the poop attacks in Toronto and I feel as if there have been a lot of questions left unanswered… I mean its not every day that you get someone crazy enough to save up enough poop and pee to dump it on four people on three separate occasions in only four days. It just doesn’t add up. There’s just so many things that seem off about this, you know, aside from the fact that this guy was dumping buckets of shit on people at random. So with this blog I’m going to ask the questions that no one is asking related to Samuel Opoku’s poop attacks in Toronto last month.
First, let me just map this out for you guys, in case you guys aren’t familiar with the story or the timeline of events. This all happened in a span of four days, about a month ago. It started on a Friday when the now-identified poop collector/thrower first struck, targeting two unsuspecting folks studying in the Robart’s Library at the University of Toronto. Fast forward to Sunday and boom, victim number two gets a poop shower at York University’s library. Then just one day later, a lady gets a bucket dumped on her as she waits to cross the road. Four days, three incidents, three buckets of poop. It just doesn’t smell right, pun intended.
I think the biggest question I have for Opoku is: where did you get all that fecal matter? It’s been reported that it’s not known whether or not all of the poop was human but I mean still… That’s a lot of poop. I mean was he collecting his own poop for that long? Was he running around collecting any and all excrement he came across? If so, how long did it take him? Also, wouldn’t someone have seen him doing that and why wouldn’t someone report that?
I mean come on, picture this: you’re walking your dog and it goes to the bathroom on someone’s lawn, you’re reaching for the poop bag you brought along for this very reason and out from behind a tree pops out a guy insisting on picking up the poop for you. Would there not have been a red flag you saw in that situation or am I tripping? And wouldn’t you call someone and say something like, “hey someone just insisted of picking up my dog’s shit off of someone else’s lawn and put it in a bucket that had a lot of other poop in it.” maybe?
Even if this was the case that would have taken a lot of time to do. He would have had to just patrol and wait until he saw a dog or any other animal take a number two, then swoop in and pick it up for himself. That takes time. Raising the question of: how premeditated can a poop attack really be?
It turns out very, especially if you’re planning on going on a streak of poop airstrikes. On all three accounts of this happening, Opoku was seen with a big bucket full of poop. So that’s three full buckets of poop that had to be collected. That’s an insane amount of feces on its own, let alone to unleash all of it in three attacks in four days resulting in four casualties. If this was Call of Duty, he’d have a spy plane and care package deployed off of kill streaks.
My next question would have to be how do you store this much poop at your home so that its liquid for when you throw it? I can imagine freezing it would be the best way to preserve it but you can’t dump a frozen bucket of poop on someone. Also, I don’t think he could have really collected three big buckets worth of liquid poop in an efficient way. So this means he either collected three big buckets worth of his own diarrhea (which is absolutely fucked) or he collected enough shit to fill the buckets then made some sort of poop cocktail before he set out to wreak havoc. Again, pun intended.
This breeds the last question I have for Opoku, which is how do you create the perfect bucket of poop for dumping? Providing he had to let the poop he collected thaw out (this is considering he froze the feces for some time in preparation for the attacks), is there anything he added to liquify it? These attacks had to be premeditated for at least a year (this seems like a reasonable time to collect three buckets of poop, I don’t know though, I could be wrong as I’ve never really collected three buckets of fecal matter), so how did he know exactly how to make the perfect concoction to carry to the dump site and then dump on someone at the dump site? That pun was really intended.
I guess it just doesn’t make sense and I can only imagine that’s how Opoku wanted it to be. He wanted us to be left with nothing but questions. There is too much wrong with this story for us to make any sense of it and I think that’s alright. When it comes to attacks like these, I don’t think we’re supposed to understand them. We here at Down to the Wire have encountered many poop bandits and enthusiasts, but Samuel Opoku has earned the title of poop mastermind and true man of mystery. The kind of mysteries that just aren’t figured out.
Written by:
John Balser
Instagram: @johnbalsohard


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